I’m not going to air it all. I’m not asking for prayers. Or sympathy. Or a lecture. Just sharing. Lately there have been some individuals in my life who have been hurting me in little and big ways. It is tiring. Painful. Annoying. It makes me angry. I cry. Sometimes a lot.
Today was one of those days where more than one person said/did things that just weren’t necessary. That were just mean. Meanness I didn’t do anything to deserve. I cried for an hour. While I cried I stomped back and forth across the lawn fertilizing the beds.
I dumped the water rather that pouring with admiration for the beauty of a flower.
I moved quickly, forcefully, crying the whole time. (I was home alone).
The vibrant pink of a carnation caught my eye.
Behind me a bed was bursting with petunias.
A lone dahlia bloomed in a near empty bed. My stomps became softer.
Underneath this God-awful mess of weeds….
I found a unique dahlia waiting to be discovered and I paused to brush dirt off a petal.
Soon I began to hear the music I had blaring (as loud as it would go so no bicyclist dare pause and say hello) and to see the beauty I was flinging fertilizer at.
And something about the little monkey faces made that dark cloud hovering over me disappear.
I took a deep breath and soaked in the beauty I had created (with a lot of help from my dear husband).
I realized the tears, the anger, the confusion…. were a waste of energy.
While I cannot control the actions of others, I can chose how I allow them to affect me.
There’s been a lot of years of the bad stuff. I cannot lie and say it’s okay. I’m worn out. Tired of it. I don’t want to be the one to absorb everyone else’s problems anymore. At some point eyes need to open and people need to grow up whether they are in their 20’s or 60’s… they have to take their pain back and deal with it. I’ve carried it long enough. I’ve sucked it up long enough. Frankly, I’m running out of I-Give-A-Shit.
Now it’s my turn to be happy. I’m glad I have this space to stop the tears and bring peace back into my heart.
Annnnddddd…..completely unrelated to today’s anguish, I coached Lucas’ soccer team to a lovely 3-0 loss. I’ve really felt like a failure with this group, but on-the-other-hand when you literally stand and scream a child’s name 20 times to give him guidance and he doesn’t look over for even half a second and continues to be totally out-of-position I just have to throw my hands up and say “my work here is done”. I hope they learn their names before next season.
Lucas is discouraged. He really hasn’t gotten any bigger in the last couple of years. Two summers ago he dominated. Last summer he was the go-getter on his team. This summer he is a little guy who gets knocked over constantly. He cried a lot today. He stomped his foot. He announced he never wants to play sports again. He’s tired of getting run over.
So I held his hand and we talked. We talked about how basketball is a little more mellow (or at least they get called for more fouls). We talked about trying baseball which has very little contact. We talked about being a swimmer. (Oh, and I forgot tennis). He has lots of options before retiring to the couch. He thought baseball sounded good. I bet he’ll want to do tennis, too. I felt really bad for him. Size is something he can change no matter how much he practices.
More crap-olla tonight so I hid behind a hose watering the grass and then harvested rhubarb to keep myself busy. I picked 10 pounds!
Half of it is cut up and freezing. Tomorrow I’ll bag it and do the rest.
I also bagged up this fruit that I froze for smoothies. My girls will not eat breakfast. It makes me nuts. It’s a battle every day and I do not like them going to school on an empty stomach. Emily said that she would drink a smoothie (I add protein powder to it as she hardly eats anything!). A 6-pound bag of frozen fruit is nearly $14 at Sam’s. I bought two big cans of fruit and froze it.
I also froze the syrup into cubes. I got 7 pounds of fruit and 5 pounds of juice for $10. That’s twice as much smoothie makings for less money. It was messy and sticky and a pain, but it will be worth it if I make smoothies in the morning and for night snack for five kids. I’m trying to stock pile now before school starts, but Nick has been using it every morning. *sigh*
It’s nearly 1am and I just realized the baby chicks are still out. If I don’t put them in the ravens will come and kill them in the morning. I lost 4 last week because they were accidently left out (by me). Homer is working on the fence to make a smaller pen that we have netting for. It just takes time.
Overall bad day so only the fertilizing got done (and that was only the flowers). Plus two loads of laundry.
Try that list again tomorrow….
2 loads of laundry
stack some wood
take care of garden pots
make rhubarb crisp
find the kitchen table