The White House

The White House

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

I’m not going to air it all. I’m not asking for prayers. Or sympathy. Or a lecture. Just sharing. Lately there have been some individuals in my life who have been hurting me in little and big ways. It is tiring. Painful. Annoying. It makes me angry. I cry. Sometimes a lot.

Today was one of those days where more than one person said/did things that just weren’t necessary. That were just mean. Meanness I didn’t do anything to deserve. I cried for an hour. While I cried I stomped back and forth across the lawn fertilizing the beds.

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I dumped the water rather that pouring with admiration for the beauty of a flower.

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I moved quickly, forcefully, crying the whole time. (I was home alone).

The vibrant pink of a carnation caught my eye.

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Behind me a bed was bursting with petunias.

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A lone dahlia bloomed in a near empty bed. My stomps became softer.

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Underneath this God-awful mess of weeds….

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I found a unique dahlia waiting to be discovered and I paused to brush dirt off a petal.

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Soon I began to hear the music I had blaring (as loud as it would go so no bicyclist dare pause and say hello) and to see the beauty I was flinging fertilizer at.

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And something about the little monkey faces made that dark cloud hovering over me disappear.

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I took a deep breath and soaked in the beauty I had created (with a lot of help from my dear husband).

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I realized the tears, the anger, the confusion…. were a waste of energy.

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While I cannot control the actions of others, I can chose how I allow them to affect me.

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There’s been a lot of years of the bad stuff. I cannot lie and say it’s okay. I’m worn out. Tired of it. I don’t want to be the one to absorb everyone else’s problems anymore. At some point eyes need to open and people need to grow up whether they are in their 20’s or 60’s… they have to take their pain back and deal with it. I’ve carried it long enough. I’ve sucked it up long enough. Frankly, I’m running out of I-Give-A-Shit.

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Now it’s my turn to be happy. I’m glad I have this space to stop the tears and bring peace back into my heart.

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Annnnddddd…..completely unrelated to today’s anguish, I coached Lucas’ soccer team to a lovely 3-0 loss. I’ve really felt like a failure with this group, but on-the-other-hand when you literally stand and scream a child’s name 20 times to give him guidance and he doesn’t look over for even half a second and continues to be totally out-of-position I just have to throw my hands up and say “my work here is done”. I hope they learn their names before next season.

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Lucas is discouraged. He really hasn’t gotten any bigger in the last couple of years. Two summers ago he dominated. Last summer he was the go-getter on his team. This summer he is a little guy who gets knocked over constantly. He cried a lot today. He stomped his foot. He announced he never wants to play sports again. He’s tired of getting run over.

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So I held his hand and we talked. We talked about how basketball is a little more mellow (or at least they get called for more fouls). We talked about trying baseball which has very little contact. We talked about being a swimmer. (Oh, and I forgot tennis). He has lots of options before retiring to the couch. He thought baseball sounded good. I bet he’ll want to do tennis, too. I felt really bad for him. Size is something he can change no matter how much he practices.

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More crap-olla tonight so I hid behind a hose watering the grass and then harvested rhubarb to keep myself busy. I picked 10 pounds!

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Half of it is cut up and freezing. Tomorrow I’ll bag it and do the rest.

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I also bagged up this fruit that I froze for smoothies. My girls will not eat breakfast. It makes me nuts. It’s a battle every day and I do not like them going to school on an empty stomach. Emily said that she would drink a smoothie (I add protein powder to it as she hardly eats anything!). A 6-pound bag of frozen fruit is nearly $14 at Sam’s. I bought two big cans of fruit and froze it.

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I also froze the syrup into cubes. I got 7 pounds of fruit and 5 pounds of juice for $10. That’s twice as much smoothie makings for less money. It was messy and sticky and a pain, but it will be worth it if I make smoothies in the morning and for night snack for five kids. I’m trying to stock pile now before school starts, but Nick has been using it every morning. *sigh*

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It’s nearly 1am and I just realized the baby chicks are still out. If I don’t put them in the ravens will come and kill them in the morning. I lost 4 last week because they were accidently left out (by me). Homer is working on the fence to make a smaller pen that we have netting for. It just takes time.

Overall bad day so only the fertilizing got done (and that was only the flowers). Plus two loads of laundry.

Try that list again tomorrow….

2 loads of laundry

stack some wood

trim liner

take care of garden pots

make rhubarb crisp

find the kitchen table

7 comments:

Lori Skoog said...

I could not be more impressed with the beauty you have created and am glad you were able to feel it in a soothing way.

FlowerLady said...

Dear Gayle ~ This post made me smile and feel more relaxed and thankful myself as I stomped around with you finding colorful jewels in your gardens. You have done tremendous work there and in one of the photos you can see your full greenhouse. Gardening does have a calming effect that's for sure. Yes it's a lot of hard work, but the rewards are so worth it.

Look at all of that rhubarb you harvested too.

Each day is a gift, do with it what you can and don't let the bad crap get you down. I've had a couple of down days the past few days myself, and today I want to be in better spirits.

I've got laundry to do myself, and it's NOT supposed to rain until late this afternoon, so maybe a load will get washed, hung out and dried before then.

The humidity seems less today too, and that helps.

Hope today is better than yesterday for you.

FlowerLady

Kim@Snug Harbor said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day, but I'm so happy that God gave you some flowers to remind you that there's always beauty in the world to be found in unexpected places and when you need it most.

Tell Lucas I was always the smallest one on any team, but it made me tough and I played on all-star teams all thru high school. I think he has lots of potential! Plus, he's the cutest one!!

sandy said...

don't forget that wonderful country song "my give a damn's busted !!" also "here's a quarter call someone who cares !!" i personally think you are doing great,,there are those growing up years that children go thru that would be better served with them on a desert island !! most important is how happy you and Homer are together the rest can't help but pass as time goes on,,love aunt sandy

sue in mexico mo said...

Where to begin . . . I'm not going to give you prayers, sympathy, or a lecture. But I do feel your pain and I totally understand the fertilizing and crying! Did it help?


I am surprised how pretty your flowers are - due to your short season and the quantity of gardens you plant and tend. We are in a terrible drought and even with watering, I have lost some of my plants. In fact, Missouri was just declared a disaster area! So far we are not under a watering restriction, but due to time and high water bill I am having to choose which beds to try to save. That is very hard to do because all of my beds are perennials. My favorite is a shady hosta garden. I don't plant annuals anymore, other than a few pots for the porch.

I am also a list maker. Do you ever add things to the list that you have already done just so you can cross them off?

Hang in there.

CRAZY CHRISTI said...

Your garden is so beautiful. I think I know where your house is now that I saw a glimpse of it. :) I'm glad that your stomping around outdoors turned out to be a much needed therapy session. We all need that. Your tips on the canned fruit are very good, and I will share that with coworkers that are always buying the fruit and making them here. :)

Nancy J said...

Me too, I am so amazed at what you accomplish in your short summer, and after having time to yourself to stomp, cry, yell, hurl water, maybe the anger fled and nature did the healing.Lucas will surely grow, and just maybe another sport might help his self doubts.we as Mums have to multi task, and be so much to so many, and where is time for you? Your blog is always so good to read, and your blog friends will understand all that is going on, and hope that our words help, if they cannot fix, will add some cheering and comforting words.Fond greetings from Jean.p.s. Hugh would fall over in stunned amazement if I did have a list and managed to get it all done.!!!