The White House

The White House

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Deep Thoughts

Yesterday I worked really hard in my plant room. I have to admit progress is slow. Sometimes I wonder if it is me, but really, I think things just take time. I was transplanting Impatiens. I mix the potting soil (which is different than my seedling soil), fill the containers, transplant, water and put on the shelf. I feel like it takes me forever. At the end of this row you see six levels. The top is Early Girl Tomatoes for the greenhouse and the other five contain 20 flats which are holding 223 Impatiens. How insane is that? I will lose 20-50 from transplant shock and maybe the occasional screw-up on watering (I do have 5 kids at home…sometimes *stuff* happens), but in the end there will be plenty for our (Debbi & Me) shade beds.
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These are the bigger ones as they were planted first. Impatiens Pastel.
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Today, I was stuck inside my head. Thoughts of this and that going around and around. No television, no radio…just me cleaning and mulling over my life. There is an awful lot going on and I’m not going to talk about it all, but I can say I wish I knew ten years ago the things I know now. I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life worrying about things that I could not change or shouldn’t bother trying to. I can say I’ve come to the realization that I’ve spent entirely too much of my life being a giver. You know, where you go out of your way to make sure everyone else is happy at the expense of your own time, comfort or finances. I’ve been used. A lot. That’s for sure. I don’t want to do that any more. “The other guy” can take care of himself or be miserable, but I no longer want to miserable for him (or her…you know what I mean). I just want to focus 100% on my children then my husband and then myself. When I die nothing else will have mattered.
I love having my family together. My boys love me. Nick is a friend and we think alike.  Elijah and I sometimes bicker, but he doesn’t want to be anywhere else and  there’s no one else I’d rather disagree with  :). Lucas adores me like I adore him. I heard the familiar sound of finger boards. I’ve been listened to Nick, Cody and Elijah run them across every surface of our house for years. Now Lucas is catching the fever. I went upstairs to find this…. a 19, 16 and 5-year old *playing* together. My heart swelled.
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I went back to my thoughts and scrubbing. I started at the front door sweeping and then mopping each section of floor over and over. Every item I came across was either put away, stored or tossed. Inch by inch I’m determined to get it all gone.
Then Lucas remember I asked him if he wanted to make cookies so I stopped. And we did. He asked to take them to school to share with his class. He and Olivia have the best of Homer and I. They are always thinking of others.
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In my cleaning quest I decided that I was going to remove the legs from the couch. Why on earth do they have legs anyhow? All that happens is massive amounts of toys, food and remotes end up where you can’t reach them. Today, I knew I didn’t want to waste anymore of my life cleaning under couches. Who knows how much time we have? When Nick helped me flip the couch over we discovered that there were several broken boards. No doubt from a man-child wrestling with on of his friends… not sure who, but I do know that our teen boys will/can/have destroyed about everything we have. So for two hours my husband cut new boards and fixed it. Then we watched a Woody Allen movie (Midnight in Paris). We like his work…thought provoking.
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And back to my thoughts. I have so many legal things to take care of concerning the custody battle that is now 16 months in the making (that I did not start btw). A judge will decide if Elijah, who has lived solely with me for the last 51 months and does not want to leave, should live elsewhere all, some or none of the time. There is a myriad of other motions and battles that shouldn’t even be considered, but will be because of the approach that was taken (not by me). The entire divorce is re-opened and should be handled by lawyers who cost a fortune.
I don’t like being mean or hurting others. I have always sucked it up and let it go, but this time is different. Someone will be hurt.
Working through my thoughts I’ve also admitted some other truths. You know, the kind you don’t want to see, but they are there? I have realized I have people in my life who talk the talk, but would take my last dollar and be mad at me for not having more. Some that I have loved so dearly are the biggest hypocrites I have ever met….friends/family….greed, hate, judgment knows no bounds. Their happiness, motives, agenda…. all at the expense of me, my family, my kids. Oh… if I did these things? It would be batshitcrazy, but when *they* do it, they are justified. But it’s okay. Remember, I’m a giver….ha! so while I won’t be “giving” anymore, I won’t be hurting. I’m just walking away. I have six people…Homer, Nicholas, Elijah, Emily, Olivia and Lucas…who love me dearly. They are all that matters. I will no longer help another hurt me.
I deleted my Facebook wall from the last three years. I will miss some of the funny comments that are fun to read through (but are manipulated by others …. and as the HEX friends with a wildfire passion family/friends we have in commone over the last few weeks it has lost its allure). I might even close the account.
Oh, and this is the 27th day that I haven’t had a cigarette.
What??!?? haven’t I told you????

8 comments:

FlowerLady said...

Dear Gayle ~ For all that is going on around there, with all of your thoughts and feelings going through your mind, and not having a cigarette for 27 days, I think you sound pretty calm.

We do have to walk away from 'psychic vampires', those who suck us dry of everything that we are. Those who will try to destroy our happiness and contentment. Life is too short to let them in and take over our lives.

Love and hugs to you and yours,

FlowerLady

Stacy Davis said...

Holy Crap Gayle! Congrats!! On..well..everything! Changing your whole mindset like that is so hard...and for some people totally impossible...so glad you were able to identify what was hurting you in your life and fix it. And double congrats on quitting smoking! When I quit I was amazed at how much better I felt and how much better I breathed...which made EVERYTHING so much easier. ((HUGS)) to all of you :)

She Looks Like a Mom said...

This is all hard stuff for you to mull through, but I'm glad you're working your way through it. It sounds like the potting process is good for you because it makes you slow down. Don't be impatient about the impatiens. :-)

Humble wife said...

I think that you are on the right path. We start at home and are there for our families first-then if we can, we give elsewhere.

Love that the boys were together-so wonderful to see.

Oh and the garden- I am thrilled. You amaze me.

And the moment you stopped to make cookies with your handsome sweetone-you reaffirmed to me how very much I enjoy my visits here. You are very much open-and real, but more importantly you are kind, loving, sweet, and someone I enjoy visiting.

May you never forget this.

By the way~WOOOHHOOOOOO! 27 days!! Good job. Steady pace, slow goes and one moment at a time!!


Jennifer

Patty said...

Congrats on being smoke free Gayle!

Lori Skoog said...

Didn't know you were a smoker. Congratulations big time. I'll bet your family is thrilled not to be around smoke and you are going to feel a lot better without it.

You sure get put through the wringer. Hope you can move near a beach and start living the good life.

Arizaphale said...

Congratulations. I can only imagine how hard that must be. I, on the other hand, have not failed to have a glass of wine for the last 27 days,or years before that......

Meanwhile, I am constantly infuriated by selfish adults who use the legal system to exact revenge upon their exes without any thought for the children involved >:-(
And the way they 'get away with it!' is insane!!!!! That's the bit that bites with me.
Gad to hear you are starting to think of 'you'.

Janie said...

Congrats on giving up cigarettes. Must be hard, especially in a time of stress, but it's a great choice for you and your family.
Love your greenhouse. It's so orderly!
And the pic of your 3 boys working together is wonderful.