The White House

The White House

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Waiting In Line

What an emotionally exhausting few days.

Friday was the first day I drove the roads after the Big Ice Storm of 2010.  Nick and I went to the court house to go through the dissolution file to make copies of all the documentation missing from the "official" papers he served.  We knew there would be some. 

The weekend was kind of foggy. In my head.  I know Elijah had some friends over.  Nick did, too. They went places as well.  We talked and talked and talked until we didn't want to talk anymore.  Reliving the bad times in your life is not enjoyable.  In fact, I wouldn't recommend it unless you are forced.  The boys and I have been forced, but this is about them so they have been very proactive in the process. Every step I have taken has been because they asked me to do it for them.

Some things that bring a mom and her children closer suck. This is one of them.  While they are running into my arms faster than ever I wish they didn't have to. (But as long as they are I'll hold them tight because I'm really enjoying all these hugs!)

My son's and I have worked three years to put the pain behind us and work towards forgiveness.  We had taken steps to embrace his new wife. My thought was that if I could take that step then the boys might be able to take other steps.  Ya, the light at the end of the tunnel blew up and has gone dark.  So much for peace.

We made one last trip to the court house, filed our motion and now we wait.  Either he'll agree and we'll move on (not likely) or their lives are in the hands of God.  Or the judge as this case may be.   Nick will be an adult shortly and this unexpected shock disrupting his life was his final push.  Elijah isn't a child either.

So after a day of emotions flooding out of the gate (honestly, I avoided this for 18 years to spare my children pain and now to go all the way back to the beginning in a public airing of dirty laundry is sickening.  Heart-breaking) I had to pick myself up, but felt so weak. 


And then....

as I sat in in my not-so-warm van in -30 below zero temperatures  in line with other dedicated parents waiting for our sons to emerge from a 3-hour basketball try-out it hit me.  Hard.

For 18 years I have been essentially the sole care-giver.  I carried my children and brought them into the world.  I rocked crying babies late into the night, fed hungry tummy's, kissed owies, read books, played games, explored, shared and grew with them.  I have sat in this line of parents a thousands times.  I've cheered at a thousand games.  I've watched a thousand practices.  I've driven several hundred thousand miles to do it. Oh, and the conversations I have gotten to share with my children in each of those miles has been priceless.  With the except of a few dozen trips, it has been me. 

And no one can take that from me.  No one can take that from the kids. This has been our time to create a lifetime of memories that will bring smiles to our faces.  So smile I did.

I smiled right at my son who is my best friend when he climbed into the van.  I smiled with my red swollen eyes, puffy face and beanie hat covering my crazy hair.  And laugh...oh, how I laughed when he told me he thought he was in the wrong car because I looked like a 25-year old child molester. 

That, my friends, is all mine.  It's all his.  Those are our moments and nothing, not one damn thing, can take them away.


Oh, and if you'd been there you would have heard our tattoo conversation on the drive home.  My crazy boys!

12 comments:

Lori Skoog said...

Gayle...it sounds like things have really been put in motion. I hope the boys have some say in this.

FlowerLady said...

My heart goes out to you Gayle and your boys. I have a little needlework someone made a long time ago and it says this:

~ Memories are like keepsakes...
always to be treasured. ~

No one can take your memories away. Hopefully the judge will allow your boys to stay right where they are in a home filled with love and laughter, through good times and bad.

The song below popped into my head so I googled the words for you.

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons.

Music written by Charlie Chaplin, 1936.

Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady

Bonnie said...

So so so so awesome. You are a wise lady!!

I won't comment on the plates, I think you know where I 'd go with that.

RottenMom said...

Crazy that I am sobbing over this. Considering I have never met you, but feel so much emotion for you and your family. I have said this before in my comments on your blog, but it's worth repeating, the love you have for your kids and the love they have for you pours from the pages of your blog and into the hearts of all who read it.

Your right, you have been and always will there for them and NO ONE can ever take that from you.

EVER.

XO

Little Black Scrap Cat said...

Sigh...... More HUGS coming your way!!! Keep your chin up.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Good must prevail over evil...

sue in mexico mo said...

Good luck. I hope the trama and drama in your life can take a vacation over the holidays.

gpc said...

You must feel so proud of your sons in this -- Your love has given them a lot of strength, thank goodness.

thecrazysheeplady said...

{{{hug}}}

Patty said...

This is going to work out Gayle, believe in that!!

Lisa L said...

thinking of you... lots of love and support. this has to absolutely suck the big one. i think your boys must be old enough now to tell the judge what they want...fingers crossed...

Janie said...

I'm so sorry you and your boys are going through this. Terrible to put a child's welfare in the hands of the court system. I hope it all turns out for the best.