The White House

The White House

Friday, June 22, 2012

It’s Been Rough

My life hasn’t been easy by some standards. It has also been a fairy tale story compared to what so many more endure. That right there is why I forge on and try to let it go.

I could have it thousands times worse.

So my “whiny post” will be sprinkled with a photo shoot of my very young 12-year old daughter who looks far older (am I in trouble or what?).

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I have endured twenty…that’s 20…years of mental abuse. physical abuse. intimidation. humiliation.heart ache. hardships.financial troubles.disbelief.

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And sprinkled in all that have been the sweetest smiles of love just like this one.

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I have been blessed beyond belief with five children who have brought so much joy to my life. Tears as well, but I would not trade them.

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All the a-for-mentioned sadness has been triple-fold since I left the source of aggravation eight years ago. My husband, Homer, has brought me and my children more joy than we deserve.

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O.M.G. isn’t she beautiful?!!!

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Ya…and she’s had enough of the photo shoot.

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With all that I have (and my kids have) gone through I swear this week is one of our worst. Horrible lies have been told (in legal documents) about us and about my deceased father (who was my world) who can’t speak up. I’m devastated. My kids are angry. When the judge tells me that it is wrong for me to do anything to influence how my children feel about their father I take those words to heart. I cannot help what he does to increase their negativity towards him. That is his own doing.

Today was a worthless non-productive day. I felt the pressures of the mounting medical debt from my son’s accident (over $15K all in my name…tells you how much insurance covered!). I felt angry over trying to protect my children from their father’s hatred. I longed for my father who passed when I was far too young. I was pissed that my husband has to work so hard so we can scrape by supporting “my” children while the other lives the good life. (side note… he considers them his own as he has been the only father figure in their lives for half their lives). Still doesn’t take away my guilt.

I am PISSED that I wasted a perfectly hot summer day on stupid legal shit… having to provide proof of his lies is tedious…but done.

As I lay myself down to sleep tonight I pray my children have a “smoother” life than I have had… and yet, still, I cannot complain as it could have been worse. T.H.I.S is sad… when three of your children have vowed to never have children of their own so they don’t have to go through the same shit…. you just want to cry. And I do.

Okay…pity party over for those who made it this far. I will pull myself up by the boot straps tomorrow and make up for a waste of today.

How’s that coolarcticfox???

8 comments:

Nancy J said...

Lies have a way of being found out, if not sooner then later.Hang in there with your beautiful family, Homer,that wonderful man with a smile so wide, a garden to soothe your soul, and us bloggers who will do all we can to lift you up, cheer you up, and I send wishes from here in NZ.I am watching the "Ice Road Truckies" on TV, and watching that realise how hard your long winters are.Enjoy the summer while it is with you.Greetings from Jean

She Looks Like a Mom said...

I'm sorry, lady. You have so much on your plate, it is overflowing. And just when you try eat it, more spoonfuls get heaped on. I get it. ((hugs))

Emily is the picture of sunshine, by the way.

About your kids saying they don't want kids, don't let it bother you. I spent the majority of my life not wanting kids, not because of anything my parents did, but because of my own health issues: I didn't want to pass on type 1 diabetes. Somehow, meeting the right guy changed my mind and now I've got two wonderful (and healthy) daughters who I wouldn't give back for the world. So there's hope for your little ones. Hope that leaves you on a brighter note.

Take care, Gayle.

FlowerLady said...

Dear Gayle ~ My heart goes out to you, your kids and Homer. I hope and pray there will be an end to all of this soon so that you can all rest and live more easily.

I love that large picture of Emily. She a a very pretty young lady.

Have a nice weekend ~ FlowerLady

gpc said...

Troubles with kids that we can't fix, problems with money, fall-back from our own poor choices in relationships, all those things can seem crushing and can suck away the joy in life. I guess, as you say, that's just the way life is sometimes, so we do our best to ride it through and find the good that is always around us. But mean people just plain suck, and I wish I believed in karma because some folks (like s/he who can't be named) deserve a big karmic bite in the butt. Hang in there. The kids are growing up (too quickly), and hopefully they are learning from your behavior how to rise above the stresses they can't control. And for sure they are learning how much you love them, and no lesson is better than that.

Amanda said...

Hugs lady!! Dealing with all you do, you are an awesome mom!! Having been a child of divorce and going through all of that, I just don't get some people's logic!! Keep your chin up and just keep smiling! :) Btw I read every blog post, just usually on my reader on my phone so commenting sometimes is a pia. I always wish I was more like you!! My yard is a mess as is my home. :( you inspire me!!!

Anonymous said...

Sis,
What has been said or printed about Dad? That is something that can be addressed by the family, ie. Larry and I. Hang in there Girl, it has to get better. You have a fine looking girl there. Trouble???? Naw..you raised her right. LOVE YOU SIS...Big Brother

Kim@Snug Harbor said...

The story of how my husband grew up would make you cry. However, he learned from that and he is an awesome father. Sometimes not having something in your life teaches you what you really want later on. Emily is beautiful - she photographs very well. Did I mention that I want to win your jelly?? LOL!

Martha in PA said...

The photos of Emily are stunning!

I can not imagine enduring what you do and still getting up and doing what you do every day! You are incredible